the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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