the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
