FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
