I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
