...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
