the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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