three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
