Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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