was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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