you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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