Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
