If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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