Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
