apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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