The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
