nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
