thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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