The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
