Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
