Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
