the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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