when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
