ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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