mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
