It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
