I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
