see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Green mimosas i think yes
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You pole danced in your parka.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
