I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
