apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up under a house in Key West
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