I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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