I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
