I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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