theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
