I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
