she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
