Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
