i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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