Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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