If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
