i think i have two assholes
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
