her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
