no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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