i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
