I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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