I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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