I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
