So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
