You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
