You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
