I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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