I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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