Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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