My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
