I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
