Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i think my tv is drunk
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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