I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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