I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
