i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
