do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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