I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
