I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
