I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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