Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
