Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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